Week 21 – Hooked on a Feeling

The etymology of the word author is Old French meaning “father, creator, one who brings about, one who makes or creates”. That is a much broader definition than the modern one. Why am I researching this word? Good question. Mainly because I have authority issues and I was curious about that word …which led me to author. I author a blog. I am the creator of it and it’s contents. Does that give me some sort of power, some sort of authority? Ha! I don’t think so. Not yet anyway. 

I must be honest with you, I’m feeling quite powerless lately actually. And it’s not pleasant. Reading the Master Keys these last couple weeks regarding true Power and experiencing some power struggles in my relationship, some issues have exposed themselves and come to the light. To get real with you, my color code color is white which means my core motive is peace. Sounds nice on the surface but what it frequently means is that I will literally do anything to avoid confrontation including ignoring, denying and blaming. What I am coming to realize is that is not true peace and therefore not true power either. In the attempt to maintain a version of peace inside of myself, I am actually tricking myself into staying in my Old Blueprint (OB). This is old, deep patterning and I admit I am having a hell of a time kicking it. 

I am so grateful for mandatory meditation right now, i.e., the Sit. Additionally the other tools of MKE that are helpful are the gratitude cards and not surprisingly, the Gal in the Mirror, which I have been faithfully reciting, yet these days it seems she can see right through me. Sometimes I don’t like her!! Buuuut, I tell her I love her anyway. 

I am also grateful for a partner who loves me enough to patiently point out when I am in the midst of colluding with my OB. He doesn’t use that term, OB, but that is what he’s talking about. We are mid-stream through rearranging our bedroom this week and his most frequent complaint about me is that I always insist on getting my way. I am in denial of this because I don’t feel like I ever get my way. But as we were going back and forth about ideas for rearranging the furniture, I could feel this ball of anxiety rising in my chest. I suddenly realized that I was going to be upset if the furniture ended up in his design! Damn it all if he is right about me! I am used to having things my way. I swallowed a huge pill at this moment and told him that he should rearrange  things as he wished and in 6 months or so perhaps we could arrange it how I liked. That’s when he said he wasn’t all that attached to his idea! This made me laugh inside because the only thing holding me back regarding manifesting the room arrangement I saw in my head was my attitude and my old blueprint clinging to its identity! So yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling. Or I was. Now that I am so clearly aware of it, I am actively unlinking it. 

This months scroll, #5, very much speaks to me about unlinking old patterns. If this was the last day of my life, I would live it very differently. I have to admit that would probably not be building my network marketing business on that last day. I would be spending that day hugging my kids and my partner and my sister. I would eat wonderful meals, I would sip delicious wine, I would spend the whole day in nature, I would savor each moment. And this type of day would most certainly create powerful synapses in my brain to fire and wire together. I would certainly like to live every day like it is my last. I suppose if I was Elon Musk I would have a very long to do list of things to accomplish before the last hour of my last day was up. I suppose that is what this chapter is referring to, becoming the greatest version of our grandest vision of ourselves. We are a work in progress and we are the author of our own future and our future is built upon what we do in the now. Do it now!

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14 thoughts on “Week 21 – Hooked on a Feeling

      1. Jessy, I enjoyed your honesty and speaking from your heart. I also felt honored to share with you all the changes you are experiencing. Growth is hard at times but so rewarding if you continue down the pathway. Remember to give more and that’s how your receive. Have a great week of learning new and exciting things.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Wonderful, Jessica! You took control; you observed and beat (at least for the moment) the OB. (Oh my, I chuckled there – OB is the name of a beer here! Ha!) But seriously, you need to celebrate – wildly! Each little win, like the one over your insistence on having your own way, is an amazing victory. Be proud; be strong; be grateful!

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  2. Jessica, I admire your honesty and how you are able to observe and work with your emotions. I’m also a white and I can see a lot of similarity. Wanting peace, avoiding confrontation, etc. But I had never thought of trying to stay with my OB. Your post has raised a good question that I need to observe more. thank you.

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  3. I started realizing my need for control stems from a misunderstanding of how to create what I want. I use force to bring things in to being rather than my partnering with my subby. The more I understand how to create the less need I have to control people and my surroundings. Thank you for getting specific and personal, perfect anecdote.

    Liked by 1 person

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